New Blog Space

 

I have moved on to my own space. My own domain.

 

See you there!

If only I could turn back time…

Going back in time using a time machine is an enduring fantasy. Popular science fiction is full of these references. However, it is unlikely that humans will ever invent time machines or will ever be able to go back in time.

Allow me to elaborate:

Mankind will never be able to travel back in time. If it is able to travel back in time,

(a) It will be heavily monitored or extremely difficult to do so or

(b) It will be done extremely discreetly and without interacting with the inhabitants of the past.

How do I know that? Simple. So far, there has been no known contact with the future. We have not heard of reports of people from the future meeting with us (at least not from reliable sources). We have found no archeological evidence of say, water bottles, guns etc. along with ancient pottery. If it were the case that somebody in the future had (‘willion on have?’) invented time machines and time travel were frequent, there would have been clues of the same. And since, we have no clues, my theory holds through. QED.

Bottomline: the most advanced time machines we shall ever invent, will fall under the heading of ‘clocks’

Thank you for the applause.

Comments welcome.(Whenever I write that, the visits to my blog takes a serious hit…wonder why)

In Search of the Holy Grill at the Open Blogger Meet

Most of the Mumbai blogger late evening meets that I have attended have culminated in dinner. (OK, one. But that was at Café Baghdadi. So there ). So, when I toddled off to the open bloggers’ meet yesterday, the hopes for a sumptuous dinner (along with strict instructions of not arguing with the waiters hanging on the wall) were high. One clarification: the meet was open to all, and open did not refer to the sartorial state of the participants.There. Grammar Nazi Nuremberged.

A little background: I was supposed to be in Bhopal, then I was supposed to be in Surat on the 3^rd. Fate and clients thought otherwise, leaving me feeling a little like the guy on Melody’s wonderful invite poster. So, leaving the cozy confines of cocoonated comfort (heh), and presuming the promise of prolific and profound prattle (heh heh) , I made my way to Soul Fry, a cosy little place in Bandra.

Looking in to the restaurant, I saw a big group of people sitting, and could almost hear the ice slowly breaking between them. Entering into the restaurant, I noticed a pretty girl eagerly looking at me, waiting for me to say something…Since this sort of thing doesn’t exactly happen to me every day and is restricted to pretty air hostesses asking me politely why I rang the bell, I paused , savored the moment and then said the magic words (blogger meet). The girl introduced herself as Melody, and I knew that I was finally at the right place.

The Mowgli moment passed (‘We be of one blood, ye and I’) and I joined at the table. I realized that I knew very few people at the table. Bombay Addict was the first person I recognized, from a previous blog meet. It was he who had graciously visited my blog and actually reminded me of this meet. I looked at the person sitting right in front of me, the face looked familiar. It was Vulturo, who had, errr, become more of a Man of Substance, since I saw him last. A person called out and said ‘Hi’ to me and it took me some time to recognize Amit in his India Haircut avatar.

Talk and beer flowed freely. Bombay Addict and I talked about the horrific HT ad that I had blogged about and then Saket and Vivek turned techie, talking about Debian, evil netadmins who block proxy addresses and what not. Got talking with Abhishek, who, it turned out, is working at the place where I did my summer training.

Soon, some mushroom starters arrived at the table, with strict instructions (Café Baghdadi style) that the quota is one per person. In the meantime, moi ordered an orange juice to keep the hunger pangs at bay.

We were joined by Jan, who blogs in Czech and tries to make sense of Mumbai (dude, don’t even try, we gave up years ago.) He told us about the blogging wars in Czech blogdom, the fight between the old and the new.

Bloggers, not really a shy bunch, really come into their own when they meet in packs. As a result, we were strictly asked to keep the noise levels low. (café Baghdadi keeps entering into this, doesn’t it?)

Meanwhile, the entry of pretty ladies into the restaurant made some of us turn our focus away from the sparkling conversations. Attempts at subliminal suggestions to start blogging were made in the direction of the aforementioned people, but they continued on their way, without heeding those. One more disappointing step away from the woo-woo stuff…

Melody, meanwhile, was busy doing her Mother Hen impressions, taking newer entrants under her wing and using her booming voice to great effect.(If that’s the voice coming from her head, the voices inside would have to be really loud.)

Later we were joined by a group of South Mumbai bloggers and by Rishi and Peeyush, who gently asked me how I ended up in HR and even more subtly, what HR actually does.

We then proceeded to celebrate the birthday of Ctulhu, and I expected some food after that, maybe a pastry, but given the fact that we were talking of this Super Evil dude, we could have been on the menu. So, did not pursue that theme.

Some other random observations:

1. Sakshi does not like non-bloggers all that much.
2. Ideasmith’s favourite Hindi word seems to be ‘Daraar’
3. I can’t, simply can’t, get a hang of digital cameras. It starts with which button needs to be pressed to take the damn pic.
4. Girls are like roads. (Don’t ask).
5. Vulturo may soon be called Volupturo. (Don’t ask. Please.)
6. Assets are little donkeys
7. If you want food, order it, dammit!
8. Girls talking dirty is still, slightly unnerving.
9. There are no A-listers. Anybody calling anybody else will be D(e)listed.

So, though no holy Grill in sight, though the conversations more than made up for it. Thanks, everybody!

PS: Don’t have the list of bloggers and don’t have a great memory with names either, so sincere apologies for incidents and people who might have been inadvertently missed out.

PPS: Have made changes and added link goodness.

How to insult your customer-and hope she will still buy your product

Hindustan Times, yes, the same which gives an exhortation of ‘Let there be Light’ in the general direction of no one in particular, has hit (literally, as you shall find out) on the perfect idea to get customers : insult their intelligence, whip them and then, show them the light..presumably, so they can count the whiplashes. Oh, and yes, congratulate themselves while they are whipping their customers.
They have come up with a radio ad which has a guy who is enforcing…hold your breath…New Year Resolutions. And, he punishes those who have broken them by whipping them (only the sound of whipping is heard, the cry of the whippee is not..nor are the cries of the people who hear the ad…the ‘silent majority’)

So, this enforcer asks one guy about his NYR (New Year Resolution). The poor guy cries and tells the NYRE ( NYR Enforcer, who by the way, has a mighty strange accent) that he had promised to give up smoking. This is followed by the sound of a whip. Then, the NYRE asks a girl about her NYR…she says, I had resolved to go jogging in the Next year…NYRE says, this is Next Year (This is perhaps the only humour that you will come across in this ad. Laugh your guts out. Now.)and whips her as well…then, he turns his sadistic attention to the ‘Hindustan Times people’ who had resolved to give better content in the Next Year…and they did. So, no whipping sound follows. Then, NYRE turns to another poor slob. He had resolved to read a better newspaper. And he is still reading the old one. Guess what happens next? Yup. Whippie-di-doo. Followed by the Let there be light slogan.

I don’t know about you, but after hearing this, one of the main reasons why I prefer my current newspaper is because I have less chances of being cornered by them or their goons and being whipped for not following my New Year Resolutions. This ad, I am sure, has made Intelligence and Good Sense to come out, hands in the air, waving white flags, ready to be whipped. My hats off to the creative director(s).

Crazy KRA- my first rhyme-crime

It’s that time of the year, when a three letter acronym starts haunting you like a Christmas ghost…when the realization suddenly dawns: you are nowhere near the KRAs you thought you would achieve at the beginning of the year…worse, your boss is in the same situation, and you know that when that happens, it is generally not good news…so, here’s a song dedicated to the last minute, failing attempt to hit those KRAs and those increment estimates…

 

(to be sung on the lines of Crazy Kiya Re, from Dhoom 2)

 

 

<Arbit background singers’ lines  begin>>

That’s my sweat on the floor

Boss keeps coming back with more

< end of arbit bckgrnd singers’ line>>

 

 

Try to keep outta my way

I am stung by a sting ray

Jaaga Jaaga rahoon

Chaahke so na sakoon

KRA ki yaadon ne, raise ke khwaabon ne

Dara diya re…

Crazy KRA…Crazy KRA…

Maine yeh bhi kiya,

woh deliverable diya

mujhse jitna ho saka, document bhi kiya.

Phir bhi boss not happy

Mila raise toh main lucky

Stretch kar ke meri abhi

Phati padi re…

 

Crazy KRA…crazy KRA..

 

SMART goal toh sunaa

Work-life bhi sunaa

Yeh jargon sunke

Kya sapna bunaa

Abhi sirf is life mein

Work ki is fight mein

Circumstances ke light mein

Incentive gaya re….

 

Crazy KRA…

Busy…

No entries for more than one month, work is keeping me busy. I will be back.

If Sourav Ganguly can make a comeback, so can I, eh?

Rudraksha- Red Eye Correction

Continuing with the absolute bombardment of ridiculous claims , this week I bring you – Rudraksha, the answer to all human problems and suffering!

Rudraksha, which literally means ‘red eye’ or ‘eye of Shiva’ can cure a lot of things: it can lead to tremendous success in professional and personal life, it can help you ward off evil spirits, effects of voodoo ( so explicitly shown in an awe inspiring animation in one of the ads I shall write about later… a computer generated skull and bones and a voodoo doll homing in at a constant speed towards another animation of a man wearing a rudraksha product and then, due to the force field around the caricature, caused by the glowing rudraksha ‘protection system’ around his neck, disintegrating into computer generated dust…ahh…sheer visual banquet), make you popular and cure your pimples/wrinkles ( no cure for stupidity or gullibility, alas).

There are two ‘television shopping networks’ that peddle the stuff and both have (for lack of better words) celebrity endorsements. In the red corner, making you see red, is Arun Govil, former soft pr0n star, later divine actor (who played, hold your breath: maryaada Purushottam Ram, the incarnation of Vishnu known for temperence and monogamy, the ‘best among men’). In the blue corner, we have Bheeshma Pitamaha (no, it does not mean ‘Great Greek Bread’ but refers to the patriarch of the family) of Mahabharat, Mukesh Khanna, who spent the last episodes on Mahabharat looking much like a voodoo doll himself, then skewered our senses like a voodoo doll by appearing in red tights (underpants over pants, but of course) in a serial called Shaktimaan (‘Powerful’ which seems to be the case, since it never runs out of sponsors or repeating the same shit over and over again)

The modus operandi is different for both: Govil is calm and simple, with a beatific, never fading smile that makes you wish for an interactive 3 D TV, so that you can bash that irritating smile off.

Khanna, on the other hand, bursts into inspiring purple prose at the drop of a topi, his voice quaking with absolute belief, probably in the fact that the director will pay him his full wages.

During the ads, you have small time actors with negligible acting ability giving you the before and after picture of how they led lives in the suburbs of Loserville till the rudraksha came along and gave them health, wealth, happiness, children and what not. They try to convince you to make the move (to their abandoned houses in Loserville, probably), with subtle (!), convincing arguments.

To help you in your attainment, the sellers have also, very thoughtfully, in my opinion, provided cassettes that include chanting mantras repeatedly till you are hypnotized and ready to lift cars and a Shivling, made of crystal ( I think; am not sure of the material)…Also provided is a booklet of chants and how to take care of your precious rudraksha.

For more ridiculous information, you can go here.

Some gems (or is it rudrakshas?) :

Note:- The below mentioned benefits are just general effects. We strongly advice that you consult a proper astrologer or an expert in this field before you buy a Rudraksha and not procure a bead on the basis of the information given here.

INCORRECT RUDRAKSHA BEADS HAVE KNOWN TO HAVE PROVED FATAL IN EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCES.

The Site begins with:

Rudraksha, the most powerful and awesome bead ever. This bead can help you achieve all you want – a healthy mind, body and soul, a wealthy life that many dream of and only some achieve, and a happy you making you the target of many a envy. Words in the dictionary fall short of describing the immense powers of the Rudrakshas. For thousands of years mankind has benefited immensely from them. But how can today’s technology wizard use them to his advantage? What would you get from it?…. Well let’s find out.

To a Question on ‘do Rudrakshas really work?’ the answer is:

Of course they do… but not always. Acquiring an authentic Rudraksha is a challenge in itself. But the hunt doesn’t stop there. If the bead has not been purified, sanctified and energised, it is as useful as a button on your shirt!!!

(And after all that energizing, it becomes as useful as…?)

There is a section called ‘Facts’ which I was immediately attracted to, to find a section called: “are there any definitive tests?”

I naively assumed they would talk about the efficacy and track record, but the answer that is given is:

Unfortunately, no. There are no definitive tests to test the authenticity of a Rudraksha except the discerning eye of an expert.

Translated, it means that the ‘experts’ will continue to fleece more and more people on the basis of their unknown expertise. Sigh.

Update: Where can you find the Rudrakshas as well as the wonderful zodiac rings and pendants? Right here, at xoxoskyshop.com. I swear, I am not making this stuff up. Added bonus: you will also find Bejan Daruwalla (still not known which daru-that’s liquour- he has been imbibing all these years) here, who seems to either have a hotline with Lord Ganesh or megalomania and therefore, runs a column called ‘Ganesha says’

Sad? Dam, No!

So, it has been decided that Saddam Hussein will hang. No nucular weapons around yet, but one more monster down. The verdict brought back memories of another hanging, carried out more than sixteen years ago, which did take place and was carried out under the instructions of the very man sentenced today. The name of the man was Farzad Bazoft. Yes, I remember his name to this day, with the correct spelling. Here’s the link to the wikipedia entry.

I was around 10 years old then. I saw the photo of this man in newspapers and on TV ( I think it was on the World this Week, but am not sure)…and hearing the story, I was convinced that he was innocent. To see a grown up man, talking on TV, and being told that he would be killed when his crime was in question was something that disturbed me. A lot. I remember spending one night, very disturbed, not able to sleep. It disturbed me to get a ringside view of this man’s fate hanging in balance. And then, some time later, I read the news: his fate had ceased to hang in balance, it was he who had hung. The shock was huge. But what made the knife turn in the wound was a statement by the Iraqi information Minister ‘Thatcher wanted him alive. We sent him home in a box’.

It became clearer much later that Saddam had taken a personal interest in his hanging, but for a 10 year old boy, no more proof was ever needed about the cruelty of Iraq and Saddam Hussein, who attacked Kuwait just a few months later.

Today, the ashen face of Saddam Hussein, visibly shaken, trying to shout down the judge as he read the sentence by saying, of all things, “allah hu akbar” (Allah is great), all seemed like what they really were: nothing but the cries of a man, who made millions fear for their lives, in mortal fear of his own, and probably, crying out to the Lord for help.

Some ghosts have been laid to rest.

One Ring to find them all and in Stupidity, bind them

‘Zodiac Power Rings, made of Pacnhadatu (sic) are creating waves the world over with their unique ability to change the course of people’s destiny by making them extra confident, focused, self-willed & more in Touch with themselves.’ (Other sic’s might have been missed)

This is an ad on the front page of the Mumbai Mirror, dated Monday, October 23 2006.

As you can see, the attractive ad is flanked by attractive models, who claim things like “My Zodiac Power Ring makes me a winner everytime(sic again)”

Sustained follow up to access the web site given in the ad www.zodiacpowerrings.biz, did not lead to too much success.

If those TV channels peddling special rudrakshas, crystal ‘yantras’, candles and what not were not enough, now we have newspapers carrying these ads as well.

(Am sure that newspapers allowed people who peddled these things to advertise before, simply because print is a much older medium, and gullibility and intense desire to make a quick buck are even older)

Needless to say, not a single reason is given why these rings make you winners or help you find long lost confidence. Claim upon grandiose claim is made in bombastic, arbit, general purpose pfaff. (Trust me, as an HR guy, I can recognize globe language pretty easily.)

Two other very interesting points:

1. The ad says: If not satisfied within 15 days. (sic) 80% refund on bill amount Rs.1500/- only. I am not very sure what that means, but if we assume that these guys would pay back Rs.1200 for purchases worth Rs.1500 after 15 days of non-satisfaction (they are not making a no questions asked return, mind you!), they still pocket Rs.300. That’s an interest of 480% p.a. What a business!!

2. They also warn people to check the ‘zpr’ logo for ‘original’. So, it seems that there are actually some me-too entrepreneurs who have realized the extent of the Blind Faith and Stupidity Market and are smart enough to piggy back on the success of these guys by simply plagiarizing their products.

Don’t know if this thing works for the buyers, but if I were the seller, “My Zodiac Power Ring makes me a Winner everytime”

A Very Happy Deepavali to all!

To my kind readers (all five of them, including those who land up here by mistake), here’s wishing you a Very Happy Deepavali!